Who among your children do you like?

FAVOURITISM is an offence many parents are guilty of. It does not only occur in blended family situations where a parent favours a biological child over a stepchild, but also occurs in first families when a child is given preferential treatment based purely on gender, age and other factors.

Simply defined, favouritism is the practice of giving special treatment or unfair advantages to a person or group.

As children develop their own personalities, natural warmth may grow between one child and a parent. They may have the same outlook on life, similar interests or a shared sense of fun. However, this may lead to accusations of favouritism by the other children.

If not managed properly, such situations may get out of hand before parents realise what is going on. One unfortunate thing about favouritism is that it is one of the hardest things for parents to ever admit even to themselves.
This is partly due to the fact that parents sometimes favour one child over another unconsciously so they don't immediately realise what they are doing. On the other hand, some parents engage themselves in the favouritism game knowing all too well what they are doing but are quick to justify their actions with unconvincing arguments.

Katherine Conger, a Professor of Human Development at the University of California, studied family favouritism and found that 65 per cent of mothers and 70 per cent of fathers had a preference for one child.

The study might have been done abroad, but favouritism in households knows no boundaries and is present in many countries across the world.
Some researchers even go as far as claiming that families have limited resources to go around and as a result the most talented child in the home often gets more attention.

I strongly feel that favouritism in the home should not be encouraged simply because it causes bad feelings that burn deep among children.

Mwiza Hichilema, a primary school teacher based in Livingstone knows all too well the pain of being the least favourite child among other siblings. Hichilema, now a mother of two says she never wants her children to feel they had to compete for her affection or that of their father. She says when growing up, her father made it clear that his favourite children were his eldest son and youngest daughter.

Hichilema claims it was as if her brother had permanently scored winning points by being the only son, while her younger sister was overindulged for being the smart one and exhibiting academic excellence from an early age.
"My father's favouritism made me reach a point where I was so jealous of my brother and sister that I wished my father would die each time he got seriously sick for them to be deprived of his excessive affection, "she said.
Hichilema further said she ended up being a teacher not because she wanted to but due to the fact that her father made the choice for her and refused to pay for the course she was interested in.

This in itself was not the worst thing he did but he added salt to injury when Hichilema's siblings were given the opportunity to choose what courses they wanted to study and which colleges they wanted to attend regardless of the cost.
So as a parent, if faced with a possible favouritism situation, what should you do? According to Elisabeth Dark, an internationally renowned clinical psychologist:

Recognize the situation. It may be hard to accept but recognizing the truth is the first step to doing something about it.

What you feel and what you do. You can't change the way you feel, but you can do something about the way you act on those feelings. If you're honest enough to admit your feelings, then you're in a position to protect your less favoured child. If there is a bias in your behaviour, take steps to be fair in future.
Some parents are so concerned about not showing any preference, they deny normal differences in their children. Dark says, "Appreciate the differences in their personalities and treat them as individuals."

Spend quality time with each of your children individually. This not only makes them feel special, it allows you to get to know and enjoy their differences. See them as separate individuals with their own interests, skills, good qualities and bad ones just like you!

Don't compare their achievements and do not put the same expectations on each. One of your children may be a brilliant mathematician, for instance, but the other one may struggle - so don't make him feel he needs to match his sibling's performance. Instead, find ways to help him without denting his confidence and encourage his own interests and skills.

Keep praising. As each child is different, you will be praising over different things. This is fine since none of us is good at everything. The key is to make each of your children feel confident and happy with whom they are.
Parental favouritism not only affects the children, but also causes conflict within the parents' relationship.

Often, parents don't even realise they are showing favouritism because they don't feel it. They love all their children to death, but at the same time they boast about a specific child's accomplishments.

Needless to say, favoured children sometimes tend to have better self-esteem; yet can also be spoiled and manipulative. These children may think the world owes them a living. On the other hand, with healthy self-esteem, they could tend to be high achievers and do well. Disfavoured children tend to have lower self-esteem, which can either make them try harder or give up too easily. Trying to please is one of the characteristics that might make them either compliant or rebellious. It can go either way, depending upon the temperament of the child. So as a parent, don't take chances and be fair to your children by doing the right thing today.




Source : www.zambiapost.com