How to deal with shy children

LAST week I received an email from Pamela Mwansa of Kitwe who is at her wits end as she is not sure on how to deal with her 8-year-old child’s shyness.

Mwansa feels her daughter will continue missing out on various opportunities if it does not outgrow her shyness.

Mwansa has no doubts about her child’s intelligence and potential but is concerned that shyness is a huge stumbling block that may prevent her daughter from fully exploiting her potential.

What Mwansa and many other parents do not realise is that quite a good number of young children are anxious in unfamiliar situations but grow out of it as they mature. Shy children usually hide behind their parents if they feel they are the centre of attention in a new situation and particularly when they meet someone new.

At times they may take longer to play with other children in new situations for example, when they first attend nursery or when visiting other family members who have children the same age but whom they do not know well.

The first thing you can do, as a parent to help your child is to analyse the situations that your child is shy in. Some children do not deal well with large crowds where as others are more timid in small groups. Once you evaluate your child's "problem areas" you will be able to assist them better.

If your child is shy in crowds, find ways to make the environment seem less overwhelming. If your child has something to focus on, or one other child they can relate to, they will feel more comfortable.

However, if your child struggles with small groups, help take the pressure off of them. In tiny groups, some children feel like there is a lot of focus on them, and in turn their mistakes or uneasiness. Put the focus on someone else that enjoys it. When your child sees that the attention is on someone else, they will feel more at ease.

Now, once you have evaluated the problem areas for your child, you can start to encourage social skills by seemingly simple things.

Unfortunately, not all people-parents included-understand how shy children feel as they mistake a child's anxiety for a sign of weakness.

Shy children would always want to fit in. After all, they want to belong just like other children, but their anxiety-not their motivation or intellectual capacity-gets in the way.

Experts say shyness sometimes roots in insecurity. Shy children are not sure whether they will say or do something right, and are painfully aware that others will watch and judge them. For that reason, parents need to be very careful with judging and especially criticising.

Scolding, ridiculing, and shaming your child for being shy should be a ‘no go area’ no matter how tempting it is for you as a parent. It will only reinforce your children’s belief that they are incapable, and therefore need to stay away from interaction with others.

As a parent you need to accept the fact that your child has a certain personality, but do not imply that they are "inferior" to others because of it.

Many psychologists believe that the possible cause for shyness is a combination of factors which include genetics and personality. Other suggested causes are learned behaviour from perhaps a shy or overprotective parent, being bullied by siblings or fear of failure.

It’s normal for parents to feel frustrated by the child’s behaviour and like Mwansa may not know what they can do but it is no big secret that parents are the most influential people in their children’s lives.

That being the case, there are several things a parent can do to help, but this is entirely dependent on the individual child. The following suggestions recommended by various psychologists may help:

Avoid labels - Do not label your child as shy because there is a tendency to live up to the labels we are given by others and try to prevent other people labelling your child as shy either

Offer support - When your child is displaying shy behaviour be supportive and understanding instead of trying to sweet-talk them out of it

Share your experiences -Tell your shy children about times when you have felt shy and what helped you to overcome it. Telling them about your experiences helps them to feel better and to reduce their anxiety.

Be outgoing and confident - Children learn from their parents behaviour and model that behaviour.

Give praise - Praise your child for small improvements in handling unfamiliar situations. This could be greeting or smiling at another child. And always remember to notice the things your child does well and encourage them with praise and support.

Teach them to share- Although this is an extension of manners, children need to learn to share to learn proper social skills, and so you can gently encourage them to ask to share.

Do not do everything for your child - When dealing with a shy child; it sometimes seems easier to do everything for them. It is less time consuming and less frustrating, however you are doing your child a disservice. Once your child learns that they must take responsibility for what they want, they will begin to take more initiative.

Never push them outside of their comfort zone - Instead, emphasise areas like manners, sharing, or independence where your child can take initiative and succeed.

Lastly, be patient with your child. You can't expect your child to change overnight since some people are naturally introverted.

As we conclude note that shyness robs people of opportunities in life. And while many children outgrow shyness with time, for those who carry it forward into adulthood, life becomes one series of missed opportunities after another.

Anything you can do to ease your child's shyness will, in turn, decrease the number of opportunities your child misses over the course of his/her life. And that, is truly a gift you can give to your child.




Source : www.zambiapost.com